Corporate Whore Barbie

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Toad has No Regard

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I Know I've Been Neglecting My Blog Lately...

Lest you all fear that my office had suddenly turned pleasant and tolerable, let me assure you that the Toad is still an insufferable idiot, our clients remain a hive of smarmy pervs, and my co-workers are as committed as ever to regaling me with information about things like bus schedules and the merits of various types of paper stock. I've just been really, really busy....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Can Karma Take the Form of Jock Itch?

I'm going to seriously need therapy after yesterday. First, I was scanning the Toad's inbox and the only emails that he opened all weekend were a couple of spams: one that supposedly contained a naked picture of Britney Spears, and another involving wang enhancement that was embellished with a picture of some girl looking all pleasantly surprised at the giant black cock that was about to smack her in the face. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, the Toad came over to give me a bunch of projects to work on, and I couldn't focus at all on what he was saying, because he was standing in front of my desk the whole time with his hand in his pocket, vigorously scratching his balls. What made it even worse was the fact that he seemed to think that he was being subtle, even though he was scratching so hard that his entire body was jerking around.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


The Toad is walking around with a huge glob of snot hovering just below his right nostril. He just left to go to lunch (obviously with someone important, since he only read the paper in the men's room until he was five minutes late), and I unfortunately was too busy to tell him. I feel really, really bad for whoever gets to eat across from him today.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Toad Scores a Major Aquisition

This morning, the Toad had a breakfast meeting at a very nice restaurant with an important new client. The VP got sent along to babysit him, but no mere mortal can stop the Toad when he is on a mission to make an ass of himself. When they got back to the office, I asked how the meeting went, and the Toad replied that it was terrific, and qualified this statement with a long description of all the things that he had ordered on the client's tab. This, of course, was not really what I had intended to ask about, but before I could redirect the subject to the $500K contract that he was supposed to have been negotiating, he exclaimed 'look at this!' and pulled two wadded-up restaurant napkins out of his bag. While I was still trying to figure out what the appropriate reaction to my boss displaying pilfered dining room linens might be, the napkins both unraveled at once, spilling a massive shower of crumbled up coffee cake across the floor of his office. As luck would have it, he managed to salvage a fistful of pastry in his hairy paw, and he very graciously offered to share it with me, but I declined. Diet.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Mr. Toad's Tea Party

Oh my God. Today the Toad and the VP asked me to call some guy's office and get him on the phone, but he wasn't there, so I left a message and got totally distracted doing something else and forgot to tell them. A few minutes later the Toad came hobbling down the hall and asked what had happened to the call, and when I told him that I left a message for the guy, he blustered:

"Well, you could have told us! We've just been sitting there like, like... like a couple of toads!" I almost fell over; my mind was reeling- could the Toad be on to me? But then I realized that the Toad doesn't have enough composure to stay calm if the cleaning people forget to empty his trash; if he had discovered my blog, there is no way that he could keep it together just for the sake of revenge (although the Toad does love revenge). I tried to get a grip and act normal, but then I started picturing the Toad and the VP sitting around a big mushroom in the office having tea and snacking on flies, like in the book Frog and Toad are Friends and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went to lunch.

Actually, the VP doesn't look like a frog as much as he does a lizard- a kind of pale, pudgy lizard, like an overfed pet iguana.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Applesauce for the Toad

Lately the Toad has become obsessed with the idea of having a vanity-piece written about himself, and has been desperately trying to get the attention of various journalists in hopes of making it happen. Today he took a couple of local writers to lunch and he was totally bugging me before he left, but then when he got back he just kind of scuttled into his office and closed the door. I thought it was weird, but it's not like I was going to go in after him or anything. About a half-hour later I got a call from his dentist's office wanting to know when he was coming in. I told them that he didn't have an appointment and the receptionist told me that he had called that afternoon to make an emergency appointment because his false teeth fell out at lunch!!!! I'm just going to repeat that because it makes me so happy: The Toad's false teeth FELL OUT at lunch in front of two journalists, not to mention several dozen of the old boys who hang out at the schmoozy lunch spot where he had taken the two journalists in hopes of appearing important. That makes me happier than rainbows and kittens and maybe even than a rainbow made entirely of kittens.

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